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Millenials will die first in the Zombie Apocalypse

It’s gotten so bad that Home Depot now has to make videos to show people how to use a tape measure, and how to hammer nails. Nails! That was the first thing I learned as a kid was to hammer nails. Nothing more satisfying to a young boy than taking a big old hammer and beating a nail down into a tree stump or the side of the back porch. Not just that but Scott’s Miracle Grow has to spell it out to the point of retardery that “by the way, plants need sunshine too”.

So if today’s man can’t build or grow anything without a complete tutorial on the cro-magnon level how the hell will mankind survive a zombie apocalypse or the rapidly approaching idiocracy?

James Lileks, a great writer, addresses a similar concern with meals in a box. He says, “The box opens out as a kind of introduction to the basics of idealized family life: this is what dinner is; this is what home is. Each ingredient is individually wrapped and Saussureanly labelled. “Green Beans,” it says on the green beans. “Saffron,” it says on the saffron. The consumer is presumed to be in a state of primal confusion, an amnesiac being coaxed through the performance of some semblance of a former life. Here is your husband, don’t you remember? Your children, whom you love. This is your front doorbell ringing, this is a box sent by a friend, this is the katus-style eggplant you’re about to prepare and eat in this set of rooms that makes up the emotional center of your life.”

But Lileks doesn’t make the ultimate leap to the conclusion that today’s young adults can’t even cook a meal. So Blue Apron and their ilk contrive to walk the poor millenial through the meal processing experience lest he starve.

Men should know how to use basic tools, how to cook a meal that isn’t just a box shoved into the microwave, how to build something. “Unscrewed Man” has a section addressing exactly this necessary set of masculine skills.

“Unscrewed Man – The Three Pillars of Masculinity” available on Amazon November 7th.

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